Summer

I cannot believing I will be venturing north for the entire summer. But really, I must. I have been job hunting forever and this opportunity sort of fell into my lap, so off I go. I will earn a good wage and make new friends, and no doubt miss hours of sun. I am rather sad about that because I have dirty blonde hair which usually lightens in the summer and this year it will just get darker. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. I am also not anticipating the giggles of my dear cousins about my real politik for going somewhere. Have they learned nothing? I've been on three different expidentures and nothing has come out of them. The other day one of them said, "Well I heard so and so is leaving for two years to go to [insert Asian country here.]" She looked right at me as she said it, as if his leaving has anything to do with me. I felt rather offended but realized that none of them are worth my anger.
I should go, and stop acting like such a victim in everything. I really have been luck, if that's what it is,
Manon

Tonight we weren't allowed on the stage because it had been cleaned for the wedding. I, of course, seized the opportunity to walk all over it because I was feeling unusually vengeful. Not to mention the fact that the word "absolutely" had been spelled incorrectly on the sign, so I did not take to kindly to the warning it presented. And of course my sister was rather furious that she was not allowed near the piano, as it is the only reason she attends such sessions.
As a whole, we have become rather tired of these obnoxious wedding preparations and requests. We miss our meeting tomorrow night and then our activities on Friday. I fear if we did happen to walk on the stage, we would ruin the wedding. Everyone becomes so spasmatically occupied with preparations, that we forget that people have been falling in love since the beginning of time and it is no longer something new or special. Perhaps a small celebration may be necessary to congratulate a union, but I think that should be the extent of it. If I should ever marry, I will walk down to a courthouse and sign a few papers and be done. If I feel up to it, I would perhaps have a small dinner with just my immediate family and that of my husband, but no more than that. It is ridiculous that a bride and groom should be royalty for a day and I will not be one to expect others to sacrifice such time and money for me.
I have weaseled my way out of attending. No children were invited, so I will be watching my parents'. I know my mother will want to go and my father persuaded to go, so I am left. I am not bothered in the least.
And then there is my friend who has been staying abroad. She is there for a year on limited income and has returned here for a week to attend her sister's wedding. I would do no such thing. In the same situation, I would leave my sister to attend her own wedding and save my money and vacation days to go to Spain or Italy or France or Greece. She is a much better sister and friend than I.
I am a lousy friend at best. A few years ago, a very good friend of mine asked my to be a bridesmaid. I told her I would consider it, and I did. After a few days and a few nightmares, I told her I couldn't. Looking back, the reasons for my refusal were purely selfish. The dress made me look like a spring pig and I would have to be compared with her beautiful, tall, brunette sisters, all of which are the glaring opposite of me. It would have been tortuous to attend those awful reception dinners, and the rehearsal. Dear Lord, I would not have endured. Depsite all my selfishness, declining the invitation to be a bridesmaid is not on my list of regrets. I made the right decision. If I was given the same situtation again, I would decline again.
Now I must sleep.
Manon

A Short Farewell

More than my mother, I fear my cousins. They are perhaps the most loved and cherished humans by me on the earth, but I fearl their disapproval. It is a rather silent look, and shared commonly amongst the females of the family. If one sensed to discredit, the others feel the same way. I feel like they may be able to access my posts so I am going to quit writing. I may resume somewhere else because I would simply like to remain totally anonymous. -Manon

Toussaint

It is officially All Saints Day. We do nothing for it here of course, but I am sure the French do as they have a name for it, Toussaint something.

Today I slept in until 1:00pm. How terribley lazy of me. My boday awoke natually at 9:57, but I laid in my bed and thought of what I had to do today. And the answer was nothing. All the girls would be previously occupied until dinner, and since it was a Saturday, I would have no help to do. So I rolled over and slept for four more hours. I then proceeded to get up and run 7.6 miles, take a shower, eat, and put together a plausible Halloween costume. By the time I was finished, it was time to trick or treat and since I have been busy. It worked out well to sleep in so late. Even though it was sinfully lazy of me.

I feel I have disappointed God more than that. I didn't get up in the meeting today. I have been so good about praying lately, and about taking my thoughts captive, and being awake to my own sin. Yet I couldn't get up tonight to testify. I knew I should have, but I didn't know what to say or where to stand or anything and I excused myself far too much. God must be disappointed in me, not to mention all the other witnesses in heaven. Well, I am sorry to disappoint you all, but I will work with boldness and I will give my testimony next week, even if it sounds like I am speaking Chinese. I will have the heads of the Philistines and be bold and testify.
Manon

Regret

I just thought I should complile a list of regrets. They are few and far between in my life, as I try to think things over and make good decisions. Most of these are things I could not forsee, or perhaps I did, but was unwilling to change.
1.) I totally wish I had never got my senior picture taken for the yearbook. I was late, so I had to make it up, and I wish I had never made it up. I cried when I saw the picture. I was all boobs and double chin. It was absolutely terrible, and that is what will follow me for the rest of my life.
2.) When we were at Brunstad at the coffee bar, there was this guy playing the piano. I jokingly said I was going to ask him if he would accompany my singing, but Amelia thought that I really should. She gently encouraged me to go ask him and I think she really wanted me to. I didn't go. I was too chicken. Now I wish I had gone, just for her.
3.) I forgot to call Ethan and tell him to come to a meeting at a conference once.
4.) Today when I was running, I saw this man on crutches trying to get groceries out of his car. I thought about going and giving him a hand, but I was too embarrassed, and fearful that it might have been dangerous. I now wish I had helped him.

So here are my regrets. I suppose based on these, I have lived a fairly good life.

The Boy in My Thoughts

I am very frustrated. I seldom, almost never, put myself in a situation that will be difficult for me. I am very wary to not do so. It prevnts potential, unneccessary suffering, and falling. I however, did so tonight. "Don't do this, Manon," said the voice of reason in my head. My father always told me to listen to the voice of reason. So what was I doing?

Now in my thoughts I am being tossed and turned. There are so many sides to this story. How is it that after knowing a boy for years and being steady friends with him, I can go to bed at night and say "Thank God I am not married to him! I could never love him." And then there's another that the most I have ever done is say a faltered "Hello!" and shook hands. My palms were sweating and my heart was beating in my chest making my entire being tremble and my face blush. Could everyone else see that I was beside myself? And yet all I know is what I have heard, for the most part. All of it is good except one thing, and that thing I am willing to believe, just because it makes me think of him as a lost soul.

But what can I do? Do I really love him, or is this just Satan's final attempt at a hurrah? And suppose I did love him. What good would that do? Kare says love doesn't always mean marriage, so what would we do from there? Besides, there are so many more pretty girls where he is, how could he possibley even know who I am?

And so here I am tormented in my own thought about one stupid boy. Sure there have been others, but this one is prevailant in my mind and it is driving me nuts. The best thing for me is to stay away. I wouldn't want to do anything remarkabley stupid, which isn't like me. I usually have my wits about me, but I have scarcely been in a situation like this before. I thought before that I could run away. And I did. But my thoughts are still with me and that is where the real battle is.

I guess no one has ever looked at me quite like that before. It was almost a year ago now. That look when I walked into the room, with the most hideous attire imaginable, and he looked up at my like, "THERE you are!" Strange. I am trying to forget him, but it is not going so well. Oh well, if you don't succeed at first, try, try again. And that is what I will do. I do not want to be saddled with a dream boy from my imagination for the rest of my life.

Remebering Jasmine

This is an interesting episode in Manon's life to say the least. My brother is friends with a neighbor who lives down the road. I don't approve much of the boy. His word choice, lifestyle choice, and choice of friends are all contary to what I believe. But he has an older sister who is a nurse and from what I know, a very nice young woman. During the winter, she ran into a situation where it was imperative for her to work a night shift as a nurse. She was in a tight spot because she had a three month old baby for whom no one could care for overnight. To make a long story short, I ended up watching the baby.

Her name was Jasmine, a name of which I heartly disapprove. She was very, very small for three months and everything about her smelled like cigarette smoke. I went to pick her up at her grandparents house, which was huge and lovely. I walked in and was overpowered by the stench of smoke and even more horrified when the grandfather of the baby didn't know what the baby's name was. The lady laying on the couch who could barely lift her head was able to tell me that it was Jasmine. They didn't ask who I was, or who my name was. I grew up in a house where life was precious. Children were to be especially cared for watched over. And here these people were, carelessly sending their tiny newborn grandaughter off with some stranger. I was almost in tears when I got home. Neither one looked at the car I was in, offered any sort of help, or showed any kind of care, affection, or concern for Jasmine.

Then of course I took her home to my mother who had washed her hands and was waiting for the baby. Everyone at home was so curious to see her and impatient to hold her. I tried to get her to sleep on her own. She wouldn't. I fed her, changed her, burped her, whatever, and she would settle down for about twenty minutes. Then she would cry. This happened until about four in the morning maybe. Then finally I let her sleep on my stomach, with her head on my heart. That is how she slept until six o'clock, which is when she was picked up. It was quite awful. I have never slept such a disturbed sleep before in my life. Of course, it was quite good for me too. Any anticipation I had had about having children vanished. And I learned that mothers are tired. Some are tired for years, if they have more than one child. And they are still expected to funtion normally in the real world. I imagine that would be next to impossible.