The Boy in My Thoughts

I am very frustrated. I seldom, almost never, put myself in a situation that will be difficult for me. I am very wary to not do so. It prevnts potential, unneccessary suffering, and falling. I however, did so tonight. "Don't do this, Manon," said the voice of reason in my head. My father always told me to listen to the voice of reason. So what was I doing?

Now in my thoughts I am being tossed and turned. There are so many sides to this story. How is it that after knowing a boy for years and being steady friends with him, I can go to bed at night and say "Thank God I am not married to him! I could never love him." And then there's another that the most I have ever done is say a faltered "Hello!" and shook hands. My palms were sweating and my heart was beating in my chest making my entire being tremble and my face blush. Could everyone else see that I was beside myself? And yet all I know is what I have heard, for the most part. All of it is good except one thing, and that thing I am willing to believe, just because it makes me think of him as a lost soul.

But what can I do? Do I really love him, or is this just Satan's final attempt at a hurrah? And suppose I did love him. What good would that do? Kare says love doesn't always mean marriage, so what would we do from there? Besides, there are so many more pretty girls where he is, how could he possibley even know who I am?

And so here I am tormented in my own thought about one stupid boy. Sure there have been others, but this one is prevailant in my mind and it is driving me nuts. The best thing for me is to stay away. I wouldn't want to do anything remarkabley stupid, which isn't like me. I usually have my wits about me, but I have scarcely been in a situation like this before. I thought before that I could run away. And I did. But my thoughts are still with me and that is where the real battle is.

I guess no one has ever looked at me quite like that before. It was almost a year ago now. That look when I walked into the room, with the most hideous attire imaginable, and he looked up at my like, "THERE you are!" Strange. I am trying to forget him, but it is not going so well. Oh well, if you don't succeed at first, try, try again. And that is what I will do. I do not want to be saddled with a dream boy from my imagination for the rest of my life.