It is officially All Saints Day. We do nothing for it here of course, but I am sure the French do as they have a name for it, Toussaint something.
Today I slept in until 1:00pm. How terribley lazy of me. My boday awoke natually at 9:57, but I laid in my bed and thought of what I had to do today. And the answer was nothing. All the girls would be previously occupied until dinner, and since it was a Saturday, I would have no help to do. So I rolled over and slept for four more hours. I then proceeded to get up and run 7.6 miles, take a shower, eat, and put together a plausible Halloween costume. By the time I was finished, it was time to trick or treat and since I have been busy. It worked out well to sleep in so late. Even though it was sinfully lazy of me.
I feel I have disappointed God more than that. I didn't get up in the meeting today. I have been so good about praying lately, and about taking my thoughts captive, and being awake to my own sin. Yet I couldn't get up tonight to testify. I knew I should have, but I didn't know what to say or where to stand or anything and I excused myself far too much. God must be disappointed in me, not to mention all the other witnesses in heaven. Well, I am sorry to disappoint you all, but I will work with boldness and I will give my testimony next week, even if it sounds like I am speaking Chinese. I will have the heads of the Philistines and be bold and testify.
Manon
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Regret
I just thought I should complile a list of regrets. They are few and far between in my life, as I try to think things over and make good decisions. Most of these are things I could not forsee, or perhaps I did, but was unwilling to change.
1.) I totally wish I had never got my senior picture taken for the yearbook. I was late, so I had to make it up, and I wish I had never made it up. I cried when I saw the picture. I was all boobs and double chin. It was absolutely terrible, and that is what will follow me for the rest of my life.
2.) When we were at Brunstad at the coffee bar, there was this guy playing the piano. I jokingly said I was going to ask him if he would accompany my singing, but Amelia thought that I really should. She gently encouraged me to go ask him and I think she really wanted me to. I didn't go. I was too chicken. Now I wish I had gone, just for her.
3.) I forgot to call Ethan and tell him to come to a meeting at a conference once.
4.) Today when I was running, I saw this man on crutches trying to get groceries out of his car. I thought about going and giving him a hand, but I was too embarrassed, and fearful that it might have been dangerous. I now wish I had helped him.
So here are my regrets. I suppose based on these, I have lived a fairly good life.
1.) I totally wish I had never got my senior picture taken for the yearbook. I was late, so I had to make it up, and I wish I had never made it up. I cried when I saw the picture. I was all boobs and double chin. It was absolutely terrible, and that is what will follow me for the rest of my life.
2.) When we were at Brunstad at the coffee bar, there was this guy playing the piano. I jokingly said I was going to ask him if he would accompany my singing, but Amelia thought that I really should. She gently encouraged me to go ask him and I think she really wanted me to. I didn't go. I was too chicken. Now I wish I had gone, just for her.
3.) I forgot to call Ethan and tell him to come to a meeting at a conference once.
4.) Today when I was running, I saw this man on crutches trying to get groceries out of his car. I thought about going and giving him a hand, but I was too embarrassed, and fearful that it might have been dangerous. I now wish I had helped him.
So here are my regrets. I suppose based on these, I have lived a fairly good life.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Boy in My Thoughts
I am very frustrated. I seldom, almost never, put myself in a situation that will be difficult for me. I am very wary to not do so. It prevnts potential, unneccessary suffering, and falling. I however, did so tonight. "Don't do this, Manon," said the voice of reason in my head. My father always told me to listen to the voice of reason. So what was I doing?
Now in my thoughts I am being tossed and turned. There are so many sides to this story. How is it that after knowing a boy for years and being steady friends with him, I can go to bed at night and say "Thank God I am not married to him! I could never love him." And then there's another that the most I have ever done is say a faltered "Hello!" and shook hands. My palms were sweating and my heart was beating in my chest making my entire being tremble and my face blush. Could everyone else see that I was beside myself? And yet all I know is what I have heard, for the most part. All of it is good except one thing, and that thing I am willing to believe, just because it makes me think of him as a lost soul.
But what can I do? Do I really love him, or is this just Satan's final attempt at a hurrah? And suppose I did love him. What good would that do? Kare says love doesn't always mean marriage, so what would we do from there? Besides, there are so many more pretty girls where he is, how could he possibley even know who I am?
And so here I am tormented in my own thought about one stupid boy. Sure there have been others, but this one is prevailant in my mind and it is driving me nuts. The best thing for me is to stay away. I wouldn't want to do anything remarkabley stupid, which isn't like me. I usually have my wits about me, but I have scarcely been in a situation like this before. I thought before that I could run away. And I did. But my thoughts are still with me and that is where the real battle is.
I guess no one has ever looked at me quite like that before. It was almost a year ago now. That look when I walked into the room, with the most hideous attire imaginable, and he looked up at my like, "THERE you are!" Strange. I am trying to forget him, but it is not going so well. Oh well, if you don't succeed at first, try, try again. And that is what I will do. I do not want to be saddled with a dream boy from my imagination for the rest of my life.
Now in my thoughts I am being tossed and turned. There are so many sides to this story. How is it that after knowing a boy for years and being steady friends with him, I can go to bed at night and say "Thank God I am not married to him! I could never love him." And then there's another that the most I have ever done is say a faltered "Hello!" and shook hands. My palms were sweating and my heart was beating in my chest making my entire being tremble and my face blush. Could everyone else see that I was beside myself? And yet all I know is what I have heard, for the most part. All of it is good except one thing, and that thing I am willing to believe, just because it makes me think of him as a lost soul.
But what can I do? Do I really love him, or is this just Satan's final attempt at a hurrah? And suppose I did love him. What good would that do? Kare says love doesn't always mean marriage, so what would we do from there? Besides, there are so many more pretty girls where he is, how could he possibley even know who I am?
And so here I am tormented in my own thought about one stupid boy. Sure there have been others, but this one is prevailant in my mind and it is driving me nuts. The best thing for me is to stay away. I wouldn't want to do anything remarkabley stupid, which isn't like me. I usually have my wits about me, but I have scarcely been in a situation like this before. I thought before that I could run away. And I did. But my thoughts are still with me and that is where the real battle is.
I guess no one has ever looked at me quite like that before. It was almost a year ago now. That look when I walked into the room, with the most hideous attire imaginable, and he looked up at my like, "THERE you are!" Strange. I am trying to forget him, but it is not going so well. Oh well, if you don't succeed at first, try, try again. And that is what I will do. I do not want to be saddled with a dream boy from my imagination for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Remebering Jasmine
This is an interesting episode in Manon's life to say the least. My brother is friends with a neighbor who lives down the road. I don't approve much of the boy. His word choice, lifestyle choice, and choice of friends are all contary to what I believe. But he has an older sister who is a nurse and from what I know, a very nice young woman. During the winter, she ran into a situation where it was imperative for her to work a night shift as a nurse. She was in a tight spot because she had a three month old baby for whom no one could care for overnight. To make a long story short, I ended up watching the baby.
Her name was Jasmine, a name of which I heartly disapprove. She was very, very small for three months and everything about her smelled like cigarette smoke. I went to pick her up at her grandparents house, which was huge and lovely. I walked in and was overpowered by the stench of smoke and even more horrified when the grandfather of the baby didn't know what the baby's name was. The lady laying on the couch who could barely lift her head was able to tell me that it was Jasmine. They didn't ask who I was, or who my name was. I grew up in a house where life was precious. Children were to be especially cared for watched over. And here these people were, carelessly sending their tiny newborn grandaughter off with some stranger. I was almost in tears when I got home. Neither one looked at the car I was in, offered any sort of help, or showed any kind of care, affection, or concern for Jasmine.
Then of course I took her home to my mother who had washed her hands and was waiting for the baby. Everyone at home was so curious to see her and impatient to hold her. I tried to get her to sleep on her own. She wouldn't. I fed her, changed her, burped her, whatever, and she would settle down for about twenty minutes. Then she would cry. This happened until about four in the morning maybe. Then finally I let her sleep on my stomach, with her head on my heart. That is how she slept until six o'clock, which is when she was picked up. It was quite awful. I have never slept such a disturbed sleep before in my life. Of course, it was quite good for me too. Any anticipation I had had about having children vanished. And I learned that mothers are tired. Some are tired for years, if they have more than one child. And they are still expected to funtion normally in the real world. I imagine that would be next to impossible.
Her name was Jasmine, a name of which I heartly disapprove. She was very, very small for three months and everything about her smelled like cigarette smoke. I went to pick her up at her grandparents house, which was huge and lovely. I walked in and was overpowered by the stench of smoke and even more horrified when the grandfather of the baby didn't know what the baby's name was. The lady laying on the couch who could barely lift her head was able to tell me that it was Jasmine. They didn't ask who I was, or who my name was. I grew up in a house where life was precious. Children were to be especially cared for watched over. And here these people were, carelessly sending their tiny newborn grandaughter off with some stranger. I was almost in tears when I got home. Neither one looked at the car I was in, offered any sort of help, or showed any kind of care, affection, or concern for Jasmine.
Then of course I took her home to my mother who had washed her hands and was waiting for the baby. Everyone at home was so curious to see her and impatient to hold her. I tried to get her to sleep on her own. She wouldn't. I fed her, changed her, burped her, whatever, and she would settle down for about twenty minutes. Then she would cry. This happened until about four in the morning maybe. Then finally I let her sleep on my stomach, with her head on my heart. That is how she slept until six o'clock, which is when she was picked up. It was quite awful. I have never slept such a disturbed sleep before in my life. Of course, it was quite good for me too. Any anticipation I had had about having children vanished. And I learned that mothers are tired. Some are tired for years, if they have more than one child. And they are still expected to funtion normally in the real world. I imagine that would be next to impossible.
Boredem Breeds Despairity
I am so totally bored. I can't stand it. I would call someone and do something as I did last night, but everyone is busy with choir. There is the expression "neccessity breeds invention." Well, boredom breeds ________. There could be many answers to that: depression, desparity. I sware if a young man drove down this driveway and asked my if I wanted to do something tonight, I would do in regardless of who he was or what we were doing. I shouldn't post such things to the world, especially because it is true and dangerous, but this blog is titled, "Just My Thoughts" and that is certainly what I am thinking. I have a terrible habbit of using run-on sentences.
I am going home this weekend. I still have not arranged a ride though. I am working on that.
I have to write a short story. The problem is is that I always get the surge of inspiration at the wrong time. The other night I was laying in bed and suddenly it dawned on me what I should write. But then I think that was my "novel" idea. I still have another one for a short story. I need somewhere to write it though. I was thinking another blog or handwriting or something.
I am going home this weekend. I still have not arranged a ride though. I am working on that.
I have to write a short story. The problem is is that I always get the surge of inspiration at the wrong time. The other night I was laying in bed and suddenly it dawned on me what I should write. But then I think that was my "novel" idea. I still have another one for a short story. I need somewhere to write it though. I was thinking another blog or handwriting or something.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Testimony
I hate testifying. I always have. It is one of those things that is contrary to everything there exists in me. To go up in front of a large group of people and make a unrehearsed confession of faith.
Well, today I knew I had to do it. I don't really know how I knew, but I did. I was sitting in my chair compiling every excuse in the book and out of the book to not get up. But I got up. I walked to the front of the room and sat down in a chair. Could everyone else hear my heart pounding so loud making a ringing sound in my ears? Could they see the way my legs shook under me? I couldn't have been more nervous. But I arose and gave my testimony, fumbling, stumbling, bumbling, blubbering, stuttering, an incoherant mess. I have always wanted one of those beautiful bell-resounding voices, but I fear I am not gifted with one.
But when I returned to my spot, my heart had slowed and my breathing was regular. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Satan has been defeated. He tried with everything he had in him to keep me in my seat. But I didn't listen. I defyed the serpant who consumes peoples' souls and then throws them aside. He will have no power over me because I will not listen to him.
Well, today I knew I had to do it. I don't really know how I knew, but I did. I was sitting in my chair compiling every excuse in the book and out of the book to not get up. But I got up. I walked to the front of the room and sat down in a chair. Could everyone else hear my heart pounding so loud making a ringing sound in my ears? Could they see the way my legs shook under me? I couldn't have been more nervous. But I arose and gave my testimony, fumbling, stumbling, bumbling, blubbering, stuttering, an incoherant mess. I have always wanted one of those beautiful bell-resounding voices, but I fear I am not gifted with one.
But when I returned to my spot, my heart had slowed and my breathing was regular. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Satan has been defeated. He tried with everything he had in him to keep me in my seat. But I didn't listen. I defyed the serpant who consumes peoples' souls and then throws them aside. He will have no power over me because I will not listen to him.
Sweet Guilty Slumbers
I have not allowed myself to sleep in to my fullest capacity in over a week. So yesterday I intended on waking at 5:00 to go running, in order to make the Brunstad Feast. That was a joke. I tunred off my alarm and went back to sleep. Jen woke me up at 8:00 to tell me that they were leaving and I turned over to get out of bed and it was 11:24! I overslept like I have never done before. And of course it was wonderful. Lying in that warm bed, sleeping, dreaming. But that guilt in the back, knowing, knowing that I was not where I was supposed to be, was almost haunting.
And of course when I arrived at the meeting hall, the feast was over. Someone asked me if I had heard any news on Jen and the baby yet. I answered no, quite puzzled. Then I realized that she had gone into labor. While I was slumbering away in sweet wamth, she has commenced labor! How awfully humiliated I felt, and never have I felt that despaired in my whole life. I had to run around and straighten things out. As it turned out, I had the day off and the kids were being taken care of. What a dreadful humiliation that was for me.
And of course when I arrived at the meeting hall, the feast was over. Someone asked me if I had heard any news on Jen and the baby yet. I answered no, quite puzzled. Then I realized that she had gone into labor. While I was slumbering away in sweet wamth, she has commenced labor! How awfully humiliated I felt, and never have I felt that despaired in my whole life. I had to run around and straighten things out. As it turned out, I had the day off and the kids were being taken care of. What a dreadful humiliation that was for me.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Just Me
I feel a lot of pressure. Sometimes, I can blend in and talk and listen away to the others, but then other times, I just wander around, not knowing what to do or where to go. And then tonight someone asked me, "Now is everyone in your family this quiet or are you one of the quiet ones?" I had to pray to God that I could still love her. I was totally crushed and humiliated. I don't know why. It isn't even that big of a deal, but I felt so awful and mortified. I am just me, and I can't help it that I am not a social butterfly. I am certainly not outgoing and talkative and loud and all those other things. I will never be. I can improve, to be sure, so that I can be more easy going, but I cannot change my personality to suit this world. I will always be rather reserved and shy, and I have to come to peace with that.
Now I am feeling rather unsatisfied with myself and am going to take a bath to try to improve that. We'll see how that goes.
Now I am feeling rather unsatisfied with myself and am going to take a bath to try to improve that. We'll see how that goes.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Plan
I am where I am supposed to be. Tonight during the meeting, Kong said, "Just think, before the foundations of the world were created, God knew that you and me were going to be sitting here at this meeting." My heart rejoiced. I am here for a reason. WHat, I don't know. It would be nice if it was something grand, like catching a husband, or saving someone's life. But I think it is bigger than that. I think it is salvation. What is invisible to the rest of the world, will save my life. No one will ever really know that this little excursion was what ultimatley saved me. Outwardly, things will be the same, but inwardly, they will be transformed.
So I know that God wants me here for something. I will especially watch and pray, and be as in tune with Him as possible, so I know what to do and say, and so that I don't let an opportunity espape me.
So I know that God wants me here for something. I will especially watch and pray, and be as in tune with Him as possible, so I know what to do and say, and so that I don't let an opportunity espape me.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Bored Rantings
I am in desperate need of a hobby. I am busy with the kids during the day, but in the evenings, all I have to do is facebook and hotmail. It is terribley unrewarding and ever so boring. Somehow, I still end up staying up until an ungodly hour. Then the children get up at an even more ungoldy hour and Jen won't hear of my getting up with them so she can sleep, even though she is due to have a baby any day now. I was going to go to the library tomorrow to take the kids to story hour, while Jen is at her appointment. However, one of them is sick and I think the outing in now cancelled. Dommage to the max! I was hoping to get a book. I need something to do. If I go upstairs, it will be me idling awkwardly while Job makes phone calls to clients or employees or whomever. He has a remarkably loud talking voice, and I now understand where his namesake gets it from.
My writing is terrible. Sometimes, I write or think something, and think that it sounds interesting, catchy, or pretty. But recently it has been awful.
I have always wanted to be beautiful. Ever since I was little, this has been a fanstasy of mine. I wanted to be one of those people who would be described as "you know, the one who's really pretty" or something along those lines. I have always thought it would be wonderful to be enchanting to people, to have people be mesmerized and facinated by me, for something I couldn't even help. I would love to be able to wear the ugliest clothes in the world and still look stunning. I would love to possess the ability to do all the stupid, clumsy things that exist, and get away with them, simply because I was pretty. Wouldn't it be fun to have every guy you meet be in love with you just because of how you look?
But then there are people who aren't so beautiful, but their charm makes up for it. Those who can talk and joke their way through things, or flatter their way through. I know a lot of those people.
I am neither beautiful nor charming, so I wonder what is left for me. I am blonde, but that is a weak card and is fading as I get older. I guess it is not important to be able to put a spell on people. Sigh.
If I ever have sons, their names will be Aurelius, Camillus, Marcellus, Silvanus etc, depending on how many I have. It's terribly mean isn't it? I love them all though.
My writing is terrible. Sometimes, I write or think something, and think that it sounds interesting, catchy, or pretty. But recently it has been awful.
I have always wanted to be beautiful. Ever since I was little, this has been a fanstasy of mine. I wanted to be one of those people who would be described as "you know, the one who's really pretty" or something along those lines. I have always thought it would be wonderful to be enchanting to people, to have people be mesmerized and facinated by me, for something I couldn't even help. I would love to be able to wear the ugliest clothes in the world and still look stunning. I would love to possess the ability to do all the stupid, clumsy things that exist, and get away with them, simply because I was pretty. Wouldn't it be fun to have every guy you meet be in love with you just because of how you look?
But then there are people who aren't so beautiful, but their charm makes up for it. Those who can talk and joke their way through things, or flatter their way through. I know a lot of those people.
I am neither beautiful nor charming, so I wonder what is left for me. I am blonde, but that is a weak card and is fading as I get older. I guess it is not important to be able to put a spell on people. Sigh.
If I ever have sons, their names will be Aurelius, Camillus, Marcellus, Silvanus etc, depending on how many I have. It's terribly mean isn't it? I love them all though.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Arrived
So I have arrived, finally. I picked up my car this morning, which passed inspection (Praise the Lord!) and has a new brake line. The total was $140.42. My mother graciously paid the last $60 because I ran up short. Dommage.
I took six and half hours to arrive at my destination, instead of four. I got lost so many times and said so many desperate prayers that I make it here in one piece. Not to mention old goldie, she who has cost me so much trouble and money.
And now where I am staying...When I arrived and was driving aroung the neighborhood, I kept saying, "So this is Lexington." The houses are all lovely and they are in wonderful little neighborhoods. New England is beautiful. I would love to live here. I found a house I wanted to live in on the way here, but it is in Mass.
The house I am staying in is quite beautiful too, and clean. They gave me my own room downstairs, a computer, bed, storage space, etc. It is all very thoughtful. I don't feel like writing anymore.
I took six and half hours to arrive at my destination, instead of four. I got lost so many times and said so many desperate prayers that I make it here in one piece. Not to mention old goldie, she who has cost me so much trouble and money.
And now where I am staying...When I arrived and was driving aroung the neighborhood, I kept saying, "So this is Lexington." The houses are all lovely and they are in wonderful little neighborhoods. New England is beautiful. I would love to live here. I found a house I wanted to live in on the way here, but it is in Mass.
The house I am staying in is quite beautiful too, and clean. They gave me my own room downstairs, a computer, bed, storage space, etc. It is all very thoughtful. I don't feel like writing anymore.
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